Not my own doing but what has been done cannot be undone.
After the loss of Grace, I stumbled around in a little darkness for a while. I had made peace with the fact that her earthly body could no longer endure any more pain and discomfort, but I miss her immense presence. I miss her head in my face when I sit on the loo, I miss her lying in the kitchen when I cook, I miss her face in the open car window when we drive down the road. A big dog doesn’t just leave, especially a big dog like Grace. They leave a hole, and it hurts.
Many years ago, I asked the universe for another horse. I wanted one that was old, slow, and in need of a last home. One that wouldn’t ‘heehaa’ with me, and if he did, I wouldn’t fall too hard or too far. Not like Tadman. I just wanted a horse that would be happy to cart me around the farm on occasion and be happy to be a pampered pet. So, I informed my equine friend at the horse care unit of my wishes. She is like my fairy ‘Horsemother,’ and I am her ‘Horserella’.
In Nov 2022, I got a call from the fairy. It’s early morning, and I am sitting at the dining room table trying to find myself. It’s a sad time for me. Grace has died, Keagen has emigrated, and Briony is on her way to the UK. I am left with sadness. My Fairy whispers: “Yvette… do you want a horse?”
Magic words that make me sit up and grip the phone a little tighter, eyes now scouting to see where the Bank of Dad is and can he hear this conversation. The man will be turning that red-blue shade of apoplexy and there will be a lot of donner and bliksem in this house if he picked up anything with horse… I whisper back: “continue”. Whispering about horses in our house has become a second nature thing. Dad starts showing signs of losing his shit when we talk about incoming animals. I believe it’s fear manifesting itself as rage because he knows what’s coming….
It seems there is a 20-year-old horse, rather neglected, looking for a home. He is a breeding stallion, and the owner wants a substantial amount for him. He fits my vision except for his balls and the bill, so I have to decline.
My fairy then whispers: “What can you afford?” In actual fact, I can afford nothing. The overdraft on the credit card is long gone, all the stable bills are due, but what do we do when we are under pressure? We make more pressure and buy a horse.
I do have my grocery money that my dearest husband had transferred into my account that morning. This money buys the food for the human residents in the house, puts diesel in the Goanywherevehicle, and if there is a smidgen left, also buys a Burger King ice cream for the grooms, myself, and the dogs on a hot day. Using that cash will have to see the creative side in me come to the fore, and we will have to make do until the next payment. The question is… how creative is creative? Now there is a challenge, and without any further thought, I whisper back: “I only have my grocery money”
Horsefairy:” How much?”
I whisper the amount and the fairy answers: ”Let’s see if it will do…Call later”
It doesn’t take the fairy long to make the deal and before you can say ‘Bob is your uncle’ I am dressed, Briony rustled out of bed, carrots packed, grocery money in hand and we are on our way. The horsebox is attached, Lennie is sitting in the back seat of the Goanywherevehicle all smiles and we are going to collect the newest family member. On our arrival at the designated meeting point, we are met by a very sad, neglected stallion that once must have charmed everybody with his beauty but now there is only a semblance of that horse left. His feet were so overgrown, his front teeth missing due to grazing on hard ground, ribs and pelvic bones sticking out everywhere. At first, I was horrified. I wanted to become that person that even scares me but for the horse’s sake, I held on. I paid for him, loaded him, and as we left, his now-past owner stood at the gate crying. I couldn’t help myself. I rolled down my window and said: “Why are you crying?” To which she answered: “I am sad to see him go.” Despite my daughter pinching my arm, I couldn’t help but say: “It might be the worst day for you, but believe me when I say this is his best day.” On that note, I left. I have nothing else to say about these people except breeding animals and making money from their offspring, surely you have an obligation to at least feed them?
November 2022 was a challenging financial month for me. I had to resurrect things out of my deep freeze that had been forgotten and my magic cooking hand had to conjure up dinners that would make Nigella proud. I did it. It took skill and determination but I fed the Wilde household on a lean budget just so that Bank of Dad wouldn’t realise that I bought a horse with the grocery money. Lucky for me Luna is a grey and we have a lot of greys in the stables. He didn’t notice until it was too late. Luna was in and there to stay.
So, our big boy entered our lives. Quietly, without any fuss, he succumbed to whatever we subject him to. He arrived an emaciated shadow of what he should be, but with the help of the farrier, equine dentist, nutritionist, and a few very good friends, we are slowly building him up to being a showstopper. It takes a village to raise a child, they say, but in the case of Luna, it has taken a small army. Luckily for me, I have people committed to helping out with his extra food and care. I’m not naming names here as my friend Shimmy will shit herself, but let’s just say I didn’t do this on my own…
My Lennie looked at me as we were standing next to Luna and said: “Not too far too fall, Mother…” which made me laugh. Yes, he is only 15.2 hh, but in my eyes, he is a giant. Don’t suppose I will need to fall too far should the need arise.
He arrived with an old stallion bit and there must have been few bad memories connected to having a bit in his mouth because he wasn’t charmed at us putting the bridle on. Now, nearly a year later, he walks to his stable on a halter, sometimes without any halter quietly with dignity and pride. He knows we are not going to make him do anything that he doesn’t want to do, and therefore, there is no need for force. We have slowly started introducing him to a bit and bridle again. He was not happy the first few tries and would turn his head away in the hope that we would leave him be. Then Briony came up with a great idea. She suggested we put a bit of honey on the bit, and now when I bring the bridle, he opens his mouth without any fuss. In fact, he is so eager he opens his mouth when he sees the bit! Food and snacks win every time, even with me Luna…just saying.
A message from “the other side” came to me as I was walking him to his stable the other day. What if our beloved pets reach out across the great chasm that death brings and send us a message when we really need it? I believe these messages come, but sometimes we don’t see them or recognize them in the moment, and they are lost. Grace, my greyhound, had a very gentle eye. Sometimes I felt like she was looking into my soul. I missed that look after she passed, but as I was leading my big boy through the yard to his stable that afternoon, the sun was setting behind me, and everything around me was caught in what I call the magic moment. For a brief moment, it felt like I was suspended in time. My horse turned to me and looked me straight in the eye… the rays of the setting sun just caught his eyelash, and I felt like I was looking at Grace. It was a moment in time, a split second, but yet I felt like she was sending me a message, saying: “I am here, I have not left you.” The Creator of all took my dog but gave me something in return, a beautiful white stallion.
He has not been under saddle since he arrived as he is too thin and I am too fat. I also went for a foot operation in January and had 7 weeks flat on my back. This brought the realization home that I am actually a disgrace in the state that I am in. I have vowed to improve myself and since the plaster has come off my leg I have tried. Gym it is. Months later it has taken a lot of sweat and tears in the gym, but I am a little leaner at the moment. In the interim, Luna has been putting on weight. Somewhere we will meet in the middle, and I will be riding my beautiful horse off into the sunset… Ok, that’s the picture I have in my head. I don’t know if it is going to be exactly like that but It’s called goals.
Things move slowly at home. One afternoon, my friend Amanda was at the farm. We had put his bridle on, and it wasn’t planned, but I ended up sitting on his back. Bareback because we didn’t have a saddle. I only walked him in a circle in the yard, and there was magic in the air. I couldn’t believe my luck, and my smile went from ear to ear. What a wonderful experience and a privilege. He carried me around quietly and with dignity, I felt like I was a princess on her princess pony.
Last week, I decided to try my hand at long reigning. For the uninitiated, long reigning involves putting a bridle on a horse and attaching two long reins on either side. Then, you walk behind the horse and guide it with the reins, similar to driving a carriage but on foot. I was a little apprehensive, so I got my dearest Lennie to walk next to his head. Unfortunately for us, he found a hidden stash of carrots in Lennie’s pocket and would only walk forward if Lennie did. We had so many giggles, with me standing behind him, long reins in hand, and Lennie being sabotaged at every turn. He wasn’t going to adhere to any directions coming from his hind side, only to the carrot man at his head. We eventually gave up. Lennie looked at me and said, “Mother, next time no carrots…” Luna will sell his soul for food. We share that inclination, so I understand.
The story of the White Stallion of Be Our Guest will be an ongoing tale enchanting us in time to come. I look forward to each day and every milestone achieved. On the 11th of November 2023, he has been with me for a year, and on the 21st of November 2023, he is turning 21. November is his month… and mine. Celebrations are in order. Does Luna know what a big part he plays in my life? No. I don’t think so. He is just happy he is loved and has a thick bed to sleep on, great food and wonderful grooms. He still gets confused when we blanket him but accepts the offerings gratefully.
Sometimes I get a little sad wondering what all this living and breathing is in aid of. I see a lot of neglect and cruelty, and it makes my soul weary. Are people inherently good or bad? I can’t say. For me, I try and live the best I can, where I am with what I have. Not my words but definitely my mantra. The words of Bruce Springsteen resonate in my head. He says we are all broken pieces of glass trying to fit together again. I think so too. There is nobody that can say they are a whole pane of glass, uncracked and unblemished. In any case, how unexciting would a whole pane of glass be? Yes, you can see clearly through it, but isn’t it so much more rewarding and beautiful when you put different pieces of glass together to make a picture? Such a challenge with great reward when finished. What beautiful pictures do we make when we put all those pieces of glass together? We shine and glimmer through all those cracks if we just allow ourselves.
My stained-glass picture includes my family, friends, and my animals. They make me shine. When one is lost, it feels like the cracks will never mend. But they do, and the universe gives as much back as it takes. My glass has been cracked lately, but then I got a gift of so many beautiful souls crossing my path. I am traveling this journey with them, and it brings me joy every day. Luna is a cracked pane that came to me he is making my picture whole. This philosophy also extends to all the different people inhabiting this planet. We cannot all be the same. It would make for a dull and dreary world. What makes us so interesting and beautiful are our differences. Different colours, religions, sex, beliefs, all so diverse and so interesting, painting a beautiful picture in their diversity.
I hope your cracked glass pane is also filled with beautiful pieces of broken glass and that you allow your picture to shine as it should.
Shine on.
This is not the end, rather the beginning of much, more to come.
Vallon Luna now has a loving home, a doting mother, and a saddle. The saddle has to be fitted to his back. Small steps forward. We also have to buy all the extras like stirrups, numnah, and girth. This will come in time. I have bought a horse and a saddle. I just need to marry the two, and then I will be riding off into the sunset.
Watch this space.
Here are a few pics of Luna when he arrived on 11 Nov 2022.
Pics taken during the 2023 year
Our boy now.
