{"id":249,"date":"2023-09-12T08:32:36","date_gmt":"2023-09-12T08:32:36","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wilde-diaries.org\/?p=249"},"modified":"2023-09-12T08:32:36","modified_gmt":"2023-09-12T08:32:36","slug":"march-2019","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wildediaries.org\/index.php\/2023\/09\/12\/march-2019\/","title":{"rendered":"March 2019 – Chapter 2"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Our feathered friends…<\/p>\n\n\n\n

There is a lot to say about these unfriendly fuckers, and just watching them has become quite the pastime.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Whilst they initially were named after some pretty happy Disney characters their personalities soon dictated otherwise.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I mean how can anything named Huey, Duey and Luey morph into killer geese? Impossible. So, it has become apparent that\u2019 the nameth do not suit the ducketh \u2018or goose (if you want to be politically correct).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Therefore name changes are in order.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ladies and Gentlemen… May I present our  renamed, rechristened Fucker Family.  This is due to the fact that they DON\u2019T DESERVE DISNEY NAMES.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

On the forefront and forever the antagonist we have Julius. Julius has one wing due to his arrogant approach towards things bigger than him. He doesn\u2019t know when to wind his neck in and has been on the receiving end of some pretty nasty blows but despite this ( and losing a limb) he still persists in being a rowdy troublemaker. Julius is king of the geese, controller of the clan and hisser of note. He is not going down without a fight even though he is handicapped. Stupid is as stupid does. That will be the end of him. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Then we have the wife of Julius, Peggy the peg leg. Peggy was maimed in the same accidental ( not) trampling ( stomping) that caused her spouse\u2019s disfigurement. They both had a run in with a Lipizzaner Stallion and came off second and third best. It has not hampered their haughty outlook on life but rather made them a little more disdainful. Peggy is not the brightest bulb in the box. She has her dim days but she is coerced into situations by her right winged husband.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Together they have 3 offspring. Miss Abegail , Miss Amelia and the dirty uncle Waldo.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Miss Abegail had a child out of wedlock, Honker Muddlewing. As expected, Honker is a few feathers short of a full pillow as he was fed too much as a child and now has a protruding wing. Unfortunately he also has an inclination towards being rather silly and without direction which lands him in some pretty awkward situations. When finding himself in a difficult situation Honker runs around in small circles with his stick-out wing dusting the ground, making silly whimpering noises that gets his uncle Waldo all excited . The image is just … unpleasant.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Five of the geese are inherited from a previous squatter. The current landgrabber has made many overtures at peace but every introduction is met with scorn and rejection.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The latest offerings include the following:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

1. A clean, sparky morning pool and an evening pool or more appropriate word is spa,<\/p>\n\n\n\n

2.Woolworths lettuce and Woolworths carrots chopped to geese sized chunks for easy digestion.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

3. Unlimited access to front lawn, back lawn and side lawns.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

4. Friendly advances from the slaves.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Please note that these offerings are all one sided, the geese have brought nothing but scorn and disdain to the table .Nothing but that. To date all the above advances have been rejected even though there is no trace of the food and the pools are permanently being occupied and crapped in. Offers to sit around the table and discuss the ongoing war with hopes of peace are one sided and often interlaced with expletives. The word fuck is a very common expression often heard in the yard. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The neighbours are scarred by the ongoing clashes and conflict which takes place on a daily basis.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

To top it all a new complaint has been added to the goose list as it seems they are currently at war because eggs are going missing…with reason because I simply cannot allow anymore infiltrations of the feathered sort. Increased numbers will only strengthen their army and soon I might find myself evicted. A plan has been devised and I have to admit that the execution thereof rests squarely on the shoulders of my staff.  First we have to do reconnaissance of where the crafty buggers have hidden the eggs. As they never leave their compatriots unattended we then have to devise a plan to divide and conquer. This is done at great risk or peril as the Feathered Fucker army is even more demented during breeding season. Every plan has a limited shelf time. One time only.  So, once we have removed the incubating spawn of Satan ( this is now the highlight of the neighbours day as they gather to witness the carnage) we just have to start all over again when the next egg is laid. Breeding season is hell, tempers flair and people are scared, even the dogs.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Writing this down it all seems rather cruel but believe me desperate times call for desperate measures. Who was it that said: \u201c All is fair in love and war.\u201d?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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20 Jan 2020<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

I have had two days from hell.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My groom, by the name of Foom (true story), packed his bags and disappeared. Apart from the fact that we couldn\u2019t communicate in English he actually did a sterling job at the stables. I think it was just a little too much for him. So he left and this left me in a pickle. Fine. I can actually do anything myself. ( My motto in life \"\ud83d\ude2c\")<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Monday started as I commandeered Lennie\u2019s help. We cleaned stables, cleaned paddocks, catered to 5 horses and various other creatures and then the sawdust truck arrived. 100 x bags of sawdust weighing approx.. 25 kg each. The driver stood on the flatbed truck and bounced the bags into my awaiting arms from where I had to bounce the bag into Lennie\u2019s arms so he could bounce the bag into the storeroom. Mudder Fucker… By bag number 6 I needed my asthma pump and by bag 16 the driver asked if he should call the ambulance… the rest of the offloading was done by my spirit guide and sheer perseverance because my body had left my spirit behind. I nearly died but the best was yet to come…<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI want a farm… I want to look after my own animals, I want to grow my own vegetables and collect my own eggs…\u201d Be careful what you wish for. All of the above comes with aches and pains and indescribable anger…then as you stand in the garage, just trying to find yourself, overlooking the neighbour\u2019s yard you suddenly notice they have a donkey in their garden. \u201cOh… how nice! They have got themselves a donkey..\u201d (I think). Then I look a little more closely and I see it. The ear… the ear is very familiar… I start thinking things I don\u2019t want to think as it dawns upon me that IT\u2019S MY BLOODY DONKEY ! In the public road! Now I find the little bit of Ferrari left in me as I run screaming down the road, arms waving and heart beating… like I have been doing nothing all day and I have a reserve of energy for donkey \u201csaving\u201d. \"\ud83d\ude21\"I can attest to the fact that I have seldom uttered so many profanities at such high pitch of voice. Enough of that, I leave it up to you to colour the rest of the picture. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The drama of the day didn\u2019t subside there as the geese decided it would make for a great show of arms to take possession of the front verandah where the entire hub of farm activity comes to a point. This meant we could not gain access to the house, the stables or the hen house until they had been vacated.  I took up the command station from the rickerty bench, feet well out of the way and sent my two unwilling soldiers into battle. Armed with empty horse food bags the two grooms, eyes wide and white parts of the eyes on display, launched their attack.  They were not co-ordinated enough and chaos ensued as the geese banded together forming a tight circle with their arses. This made for an impenetrable fortress of ‘gooseness’ as their  huge, gaping beaks were ready to diminish any onslaught on their family with blood and guts.  I sat on my bench screaming commands and finally the dogs came to our rescue.  The geese vacated the fort and left making those annoying sounds of victory that I have become much too accustomed to hearing. They always seem as if they are having a chuckle after each and every altercation. Fuck. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Last night I brushed my teeth and prepared myself for the welcome arms of sleep. My nightly ritual includes a small, white tablet that makes sure I am oblivious to the house falling down or any other calamity that may disturb my precious sleep. I put my little white tablet next to my bed, ate a Bar One ( because everybody does that at night, right?!) and went back to brush my teeth again. I came back and my little white tablet was GONE! Wtf? Immediately my suspicion falls on Christopher. Why?! He pleads the fifth…Ok, so I already had my tablet? Am I loosing the plot? Lots of issues surrounding that as I am a stickler for the nightly routine and this is just wrong… then I look to my left and bloody Aboo is looking expectantly at me. Little shit! He ate my sleeping tablet! Anger sets to panic what to do?!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Think-like-Briony-Think-like-Briony, is my favourite mantra in farm moments of sheer terror and calamity. Briony is a firm believer in charcoal tablets so Aboo got a handful as punishment for his theft. (Two days later and he is still pooping black soot and then I find my tablet under my lamp last night as I am preparing to go to bed. Shame! Poor bugger.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Today I had to weed a paddock as big as a rugby field, by hand. My dogs wanted to come to the stables but after the weeding I had to take them home. They were just finished, drained, overheated and they looked like they were going to resemble an EFF rally so I gave in and took them home.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So much for their support.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Later the afternoon, standing in my garage trying to find myself a donkey comes sauntering up the public road… Fuckit… another drama as Earl had mastered the art of opening gates and decided to take a walkabout. Moments of pure panic interlaced with screaming and seeing a little in my knickers but finally Earl is back in the paddock behind bars. Now I am wondering if it is too early for a glass of wine.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We cleaned, washed, fed, sprayed, took rubbish to the dump, gave Oupa a ride on the bakkie, watered the vegetable garden & took down decor all in one day. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Forgot to collect the eggs so by now the Mrs Brown(s) must be clucking and complaining…)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I had a close encounter with my spirit threatening to leave my body again and appeased us both by cracking open a bottle of 4 Cousins at 18:00.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I drank my glass of wine surveying my handiwork and decided that I won\u2019t sell the plot today. Maybe tomorrow… but not today.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Friday is outreach day. I am nearly a week late. I hope I have a groom by then .<\/p>\n\n\n\n

PS I forgot the coup de grace: I have a bottle of perfume that I only use on special occasions. Last night I felt so low I decided to brighten my life by dabbing one drop on my person. I climbed into bed feeling a little happier when suddenly Christopher says:\u201d Did a cat pee on our bed?!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I rest my case…Just grateful I made it another day.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Aboo<\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Our feathered friends… There is a lot to say about these unfriendly fuckers, and just watching them has become quite the pastime. Whilst they initially were named after some pretty happy Disney characters their personalities soon dictated otherwise. I mean how can anything named Huey, Duey and Luey morph into […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":204,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-249","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-yesterdays"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wildediaries.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/249","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wildediaries.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wildediaries.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wildediaries.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wildediaries.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=249"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/wildediaries.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/249\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wildediaries.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=249"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wildediaries.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=249"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wildediaries.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=249"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}