2015
Walking my dogs on a Sunday on a friend’s farm had become one of the highlights of my week. This was BMF (Before My Farm). Her farm was literally 5 km from my home and I would load the noisy bunch of dogs in the fun mobile, all happy in great anticipation of a long walk and a swim in the river. I never had to spruce myself up as I knew I wouldn’t be seeing a living soul, so every Sunday the not-so-best of me came to the fore.
On the previous Sunday walk, I had encountered a herd of cattle on the property watching me unconcernedly, chewing their cud as I drove through the gate. They eyed me with interest but never put a foot wrong. I employed my animal welfare skills and with determination and confidence I opened the gate, drove through, closed the gate, and drove on. The plan was to let my zoo out far from the beasts so we would not have any territorial misunderstanding. It worked well and we enjoyed our walk every Sunday. Little did I know it was only setting myself up for a major incident the next time I did the walking thing…
On the fateful day, I was in a really happy place when I left for the intended walk. Keagen had come home from boarding school, and so had Briony. Christopher was inspecting his eyelids, having a Sunday nap, and my dogs were all packed into the Goanywherevehicle. They were howling and screaming with excitement as we drove out to the farm. I intentionally left the walk for late afternoon as I knew the cattle would be safely ensconced in their kraal, so it was perfect timing. The sun was sitting low, Michael Bublé was playing as I drove my car through the gates, opening and closing them religiously. Then, I let the mad bunch out. For the first few minutes, it was a madhouse trying to keep an eye on them all as they shot off in different directions and ran like mad. Fuzzy and Mina were the worst as they were small and the grass was so long, I just saw two little bouncing heads popping along. I decided that since there were no cows in the area, I would leave my car at the top by the gate, and we would go for an extra-long walk.
We hadn’t gone far when I noticed movement on the horizon. The cows were still out in the field…the same field I found myself in. I saw the cows had seen me as well. They had stopped their grazing and were looking my way. Still I felt quite confident.
Then I saw a little movement from their side. There was a buttercup yellow cow looking rather intently in my direction. Right there I felt the first stirrings of unease.
The next moment, the whole herd started running towards me. It turned into thundering towards me. I swear I felt the earth move. In times of great danger, I am a flight person. I immediately turned and ran, screaming for my dogs as I super shimmied towards my car. Whilst stretching my legs to a new pace and hearing the rhythmic drumming of a thousand hooves coming closer, I saw a grey streak pass me. I had never, ever seen my dog Grace run so fast. She had obviously had previous encounters with beasts of the bovine sort, and it was every woman and dog for themselves in her mind. I saw her leg it towards the car. I know I mentally looked for the rest of the little pack, screaming my lungs out while it felt like time stood still, and I could have sworn I heard snorting behind me.
My car seemed a thousand miles away, and I knew I was never going to make it. Unbeknownst to me, the phone in my hand, while whirling around my head in the running, had called the number of the lady that owned the property. My screaming, incoherent call had spurred her into action she later told me as thought I was being attacked by somebody. She jumped on the four-wheeler, armed with her gun and a broom (this picture gave me the giggles later, much later), and made haste in the direction of my screaming.
Things were now getting hot for me. The cows were so close, and I decided I had one chance left: stand and fight. I turned on my heels and thought: ” You have one chance Yvette” . With this thought in mind I charged towards the cow army, waving my arms and screaming at the top of my lungs. They halted and stood looking at me in an uncertain way. Yes, I had gained the upper hand for a few seconds, but I knew I needed something to follow up on my momentous spurt of bravery, and quickly. This reversal of roles wouldn’t save me; it only bought me time. Thinking of the herders and how they irritate me when they throw stones at the herd when they venture into an area they shouldn’t, I looked around for something to throw at Buttercup and her disciples. Absolutely bloody nothing, except for a bit of dry dung. I grabbed a handful of dry shit, which immediately turned to powder in my hand, and screaming, I lunged forward and tossed it into the air!
It just came straight down. WTF?! Now I was sure the bloody Buttercup and company were laughing at me. It is strange how things pan out. In my terror, I did a headcount of my dogs while fiercely staring the cows down, and I could only count four not five. I turned to see where Grace was, and there was no sign of her. Immediately I knew she had gotten through the gate and she was probably making her way to the busy main road. My instincts took over, and I let out a blood-curling scream which was supposed to be Grace but came out ggggggggg. The terror of losing my beloved dog overtook my fear of Buttercup and her army.
Suddenly, I couldn’t care about the cows, and I made a beeline for the car. I didn’t even have to help my dogs in; they were so shaken by the entire drama and Mama losing her head they piled in as soon as I opened my door. I think my entire exit must have left the cows standing there with their mouths agape ( figuratively speaking of course). Their afternoon fun had packed up and left so fast they didn’t have time to work out any more mayonnaise. I vaguely remember driving my Goanywherevehicle at a speed it had never seen, screaming at the top of my voice and trying to whistle with lips that were so dry that they just couldn’t make a sound. I drove past my dear friend, vrooming towards me with her four-wheeler, broomstick in hand. I was still blubbering and calling when in the distance I saw a l forlorn grey body. She was running circles in the gravel road not knowing where to go. I often say happiness is not a destination, it is taking the time to realize that fleeting second when you are so grateful for small mercies that are passed your way. This was one of those moments. I was so happy to wrap my arms around Grace at that moment, even the winning ticket for the lotto would not have been a better gift.
I quickly loaded her into the car before anything else could befall us. While sitting behind the steering wheel, engine still running, I just tried to find myself before going home. I heard the distinct sound of a four-wheeler making its way up the road. My cavalry had arrived! Granny, daughter, and grandson, armed with broom, gun and lunging whip, came to my rescue. Bless them! We all had a good giggle, and I was invited home for a drink to steady my nerves. I felt that I had had enough excitement for one day and declined. A glass of wine and a dry pair of pants awaited me in the safety of my home, who could say no to that?
The feature photo was sent to me as my cavalry went to close the gate that I had left open. The caption was: “They are waiting for you…” Ominous is the word that came to mind. Buttercup in there, somewhere, just looking at it sent a shiver down my spine.
I have a healthy respect for any relation of the bovine family. Fabulous to look at, but only in the distance. No up close and personal for me. That incident cured me.
